The Six Worst People To Take To The Movies

The Auteur


The artist of the group, this person considers themselves to be the most well-rounded moviegoer of all your friends. They have seen every movie that was nominated for every award, even the that strange french silent film that’s nominated for best sound production somehow. They prefer to watch movies in the original format that the director intended and scoff at the thought of watching a film such as Metropolis on their phone. If movies came on vinyl, they would own some antique wooden crates to store their collection of Godard and Renoir Films. Quentin hasn’t made anything good since Reservoir Dogs and Scorsese hasn’t been able to find himself since Taxi Driver. They’ve never picked up a camera but they swear they could win the Palme D’Or if the right story presented itself.


The Toilet Bowl

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Plot and acting be damned, a movie isn’t good unless something is blown to smithereens and someone makes a shit joke. Voted most likely to pull out their cell phone and have a conversation in a theater if the movie has too much exposition and not enough explosion. This person will definitely repeat lines from this months most popular shoot ‘em up movie as the punchline at the end of their most likely ill-conceived and sometimes awkwardly racist jokes. When you ask them to do something for you they always use it as a chance to herald their “particular set of skills.” Meryl Streep is a boner killer and Colin Firth is that guy from The Kingsman. Only saw The Martian because they thought there would be aliens.


The Hyperbole


Never-not the most excited person after leaving the theater. Every movie this person watches is THE. BEST. MOVIE. EVER! Paddington? Life-altering. Maze-Runner? Changed cinema forever. Garfield: Tail of Two Kitties? A tour de force. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets? Literally syfy perfection, second only to The Phantom Menace. You start to think this person is just excited to sit in the dark with loud noises for more than an hour. If you actually see good movie with together and talk about it afterwards you start to pick out things you didn’t like about it just to counterbalance the sugary sweet positivity. For some reason they have one classic movie that they just “don’t care for” and the reasoning is almost always baffling. “Silence of the Lambs just wasn’t realistic enough for me…”


The Contrarian


Maybe the most infuriating of all the stereotypes this person can’t bring themselves to like a movie if it’s universally loved and regularly praises films that are recognized as failures. They knew the twist was going to happen from a mile away and you’re an idiot if you didn’t see it coming. The Oscar for best film goes to the most over-hyped drivel of the year. They use words like “sheeple” and try to convince their social media followers that they only liked that movie because they fell for a good marketing campaign. The accents were off in The Shawshank Redemption. That Pulp Fiction overdose scene was medically inaccurate. The American remake of Oldboy was far superior to the original. Battlefield Earth was actually a really poignant and underrated syfy classic. Pretends their favorite comedy of all-time is Norbit. Stop it.


The Fact-Checker

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Full of useless information this friend sits next to you whispering “fun facts” about every trailer before the movie starts. They won’t talk during a movie in a theater but it’s nearly impossible to watch movie with them on the couch at home. You always invite them to your local bar for trivia night but they can’t handle small talk outside the questions. Almost all of their humor is pop culture based and seems like inside jokes that only 4 other people from an internet forum would understand. Was the first person to tell you The Rock’s real name was Dwayne and the contract details that made him use his wrestling persona for his first few movies. Most likely to start a sentence with “Um, actually…” This person will tend to like movies with their favorite actors even if the movie is bad because they know what’s going on in their personal life right now and they could really use some support. Could come across as creepy if you didn’t know them better.


The Bermuda Triangle


This person can be frustrating if you like to talk about your favorite parts of a movie after seeing it. They love to go to the theater and can tell you if the movie was good or bad but that’s about it. With the film memory of a goldfish this person can’t tell you what happened in the final scene of the movie once the credits start to roll. Do you like to quote movies? Too damn bad, your references will be lost on this person. They can’t provide a list of reasons they liked or disliked a movie, their opinion is solely based off the feeling that they have when they leave the theater. Although most of the details will be lost on this person they will somehow remember in great detail how long the movie was to the second and years later will be able to tell you which seats you were sitting in when you saw “that movie with the lady from Saturday Night Live”. Voted most likely to pay for popcorn and fall asleep during the title sequence.

That’s my list of the 6 Worst People to take to the movies, which one are you? Did I miss a few? Let us know in the comments below.

Posted on January 13, 2018 .