KRAFT FOODS REPLACES "ELBOW" MACARONI WITH "CROTCHES & SIDEBOOBS" IN ATTEMPT TO CAPITALIZE ON ROBERT KRAFT SCANDAL

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CHICAGO - In what many deem a risky PR move, Kraft Foods Inc. has announced a limited edition macaroni & cheese product on theme with recent headlines involving Robert Kraft, the New England Patriots owner with whom they share a name. In February the billionaire was charged with solicitation of prostitution stemming from evidence that he paid for sex acts at a Day Spa in Jupiter, Florida. Today Kraft Foods' President cited the story's "3 Month Strong" staying power within the news cycle as "a rare opportunity in brand name recognition" that provided "a unique chance to corner the Adult Macaroni Market" as if that were a thing....he also used the word "synergy" a lot.

The new product exchanges the traditional "elbow” macaroni for new "crotch" and "sideboob" shapes, which at time of publishing were deemed too risqué for our site. Kraft's President went on to defend the shapes that make for the box's new starchily explicit imagery calling it "An edgy Mac for edgy times". He then guaranteed that while not at all figuratively tasteful, consumers could count on the same literal great Kraft Mac & Cheese taste that past generations have grown up on.

When further pressed on the marketability of the product, he did concede that on the off chance “Crotches & Sideboobs” are rejected by conventional grocery stores, he’s certain that “at a minimum” the product would have staying power in the gag gift section of Spencer's Gifts.

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Posted on May 3, 2019 .