KRAFT FOODS REPLACES "ELBOW" MACARONI WITH "CROTCHES & SIDEBOOBS" IN ATTEMPT TO CAPITALIZE ON ROBERT KRAFT SCANDAL

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CHICAGO - In what many deem a risky PR move, Kraft Foods Inc. has announced a limited edition macaroni & cheese product on theme with recent headlines involving Robert Kraft, the New England Patriots owner with whom they share a name. In February the billionaire was charged with solicitation of prostitution stemming from evidence that he paid for sex acts at a Day Spa in Jupiter, Florida. Today Kraft Foods' President cited the story's "3 Month Strong" staying power within the news cycle as "a rare opportunity in brand name recognition" that provided "a unique chance to corner the Adult Macaroni Market" as if that were a thing....he also used the word "synergy" a lot.

The new product exchanges the traditional "elbow” macaroni for new "crotch" and "sideboob" shapes, which at time of publishing were deemed too risqué for our site. Kraft's President went on to defend the shapes that make for the box's new starchily explicit imagery calling it "An edgy Mac for edgy times". He then guaranteed that while not at all figuratively tasteful, consumers could count on the same literal great Kraft Mac & Cheese taste that past generations have grown up on.

When further pressed on the marketability of the product, he did concede that on the off chance “Crotches & Sideboobs” are rejected by conventional grocery stores, he’s certain that “at a minimum” the product would have staying power in the gag gift section of Spencer's Gifts.

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Posted on May 3, 2019 .

Sega's Seaman Unlockable Mortal Kombat 11 Fighter

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CHICAGO - To counter potential leaks, NetherRealm Studios let fans know that Sega’s Seaman will be an unlockable fighter in the upcoming eleventh installment of Mortal Kombat. Beyond the screenshot released, it was also revealed that though Seaman’s abilities and special moved will be limited, he has the strongest finishing move where in he bores other fighters into losing interest and leaving the arena.
Where he lacks in fighting capabilities, Seaman will also ridicule fighters and make them question their life path in a flat, monotone voice. Testers have been quoted as saying, “I don’t understand… Why is he even part of this game. He just scoffed at a move I spent half the game learning. What am I doing with mu life?” Unconventional fighters pitched by fans have included Scooby-Doo’s Shaggy, Nickeloden’’s Doug and some guy named Sam who works part-time at a Subway.
No one will completely know what NetherRealm Studios has in store for MK11 but it is undeniable, they have run out of ideas.

Posted on March 9, 2019 .

NETFLIX Announces FIVE Brand New Shows They Will Cancel After Three Seasons

 
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LOS GATOS, CA - This week Netflix CEO Reed Hastings kicked the doors of the headquarters’ press room open, jumped on the stage, and begin screaming about five brand new upcoming shows the streaming service had recently acquired. Two of which are written and produced by stand-up comedians no one has even heard of yet. The other three are a series based on an unpublished 1980’s Dean Koontz novel, a show based in the 90’s about kids becoming teenagers and, a revival of ABC’s Who’s The Boss.
A red-faced Hastings continued to give details about how all five would be cancelled after three seasons, no matter how much subscribers were enjoying them. “You think I give a good God damn,” Hastings ranted to rows of empty chairs, “just ask Marvel! Oh… Oh, you never got resolution of Everything Sucks? Tough shit!” After kicking a trash can placed next to the podium on stage, Hastings concluded, “Go ahead and cancel… You-you can go get YouTube Red, or whatever it’s called, you can enjoy all the show they have… Bullshit”
He then jumped off stage, spit on the floor, and as he exited with as much flare as he entered, the single custodian vacuuming at the back of the press room removed her headphone and shrugged.

Posted on March 3, 2019 .

Jussie Smollett’s Hired Henchman Forced to Charge Him $25 Bounced Check Fee

 
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CHICAGO - In possibly the oddest detail of an already odd case, police reports confirm that Jussie Smollett payed off his faux assailants with a personal check like it’s 1995 or something.
When asked for detail on the matter, one of the brothers paid to fake the attack said “we were already on the fence about executing what was clearly a questionable plan, then this guy writes us out a paper check like a octogenarian at a  grocery store and we knew it was only a matter of time before we got busted. 
What’s worse is we hadn’t gotten a chance to cash the check until after Jussie emptied his accounts retaining lawyers, so when we do recover our money from him, we’ll be forced to charge him an additional $25 fee, as is standard in the fake hate crimes industry.”
Smollet is now facing charges of felony disorderly conduct which could result in up to 3 years in prison making it unclear when he’ll next have the option to pay for such services like an out of town grandma sending Birthday cash to her grandson.

Posted on March 3, 2019 .