Posts filed under The Worst Movie I've Seen

The Worst Movie I've Seen, Lately: Beyond Skyline

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Disclaimer: I am not a movie expert. Don't expect an in depth analysis of the film.  I'm just a guy that like to watch movies. Sometimes, they’re good, sometimes they’re bad.

The other day I got an email from Netflix letting me know of some new additions available. Since I have a penchant for sci-fi, I was recommended Beyond Skyline. I figured it was a sequel to the 2010 dumpster fire of a movie Skyline. So, I watched it. Wow, was it bad. Hardly watchable. It wasn't so much a sequel and a concurrent storyline. At least I think that's what they were going for. I’ll save you the trouble and give you the play-by-play.

We open with some random scene of what looks like a field hospital. I don't really know what it was. I guess it was meant to be in the future, but didn't sell it well. It had a voice over monologue that i'm sure was meant to be profound, but i can't recall a single bit of it.

I didn't get invested enough to learn anyone's name so I will just call them by what they are.

We open with a dude in a truck using mouthwash. Typical scruffy type you know is meant to be the hero/good guy. You can tell he is troubled by something, cuz that's obviously the cookie cutter protagonist they are going with. I'll call him sad dad. Oh yeah, he is a cop. We learn he has been on leave because his wife died. He is at the police station because his son got in a fight. Wow, didn't see that coming. Where his dad is sad at the world, he is mad at the world and keeps getting in fights. So, we’ll call him mad son. Some pointless argument happens and the truck wont start so they take the subway.

We cut to the train car and you have a perfect sampling of random people. Right on cue, there is a crash and the train comes to a halt. How original. So, sad dad goes and talks to the train conductor, we’ll call her subway, and she tries to take control. Of course more crashing sounds happen and they immediately say to hell with procedure and take off down the tracks. Subway pretty much lets sad cop take over without hesitation.

Now we see a police station and everyone is gone. A guy we learned to be the sad dads partner, now called partner cop, comes out of the bathroom like nothing happened. Now, there is no damn way he wouldn't have heard all the commotion, yet he is clueless. He runs into another random cop and they see a bunch of people outside looking at some blue light. Next thing you know, the people are flying into the air and we see they are being gobbled up by a spaceship. So, they decide to run and hide in the subway.

What a coincidence! Sad dad runs into his buddy, partner cop in the very same subway because of course they do. This movie writes itself.

So, they are walking down a tunnel and the Airforce nukes the spaceship. Obviously, when confronting a superior, alien force, nuke a major city.

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The subway collapses and kills a bunch of the random subway people. Then an alien jumps out and eats partner cop. Mad son is mesmerized by the blue lights and his eyes get all weird like Lady Gaga did his eyeliner so sad dad shoots it, like 20 times, at least. Partner cop isn't dead and is just being held by the alien so sad dad cuts him out. LOOK OUT! Alien isn't dead so they climb up a car to get to the street. So, sad dad takes a road flare, and puts it in the cars gas tank. Somehow, he has enough time to climb up the car to safety before it blown. That's not how fire works. So stupid.

Anyway, now they are all running around and I notice subway is wearing capri pants. In what version of LA is a subway conductor allowed to wear capris? Capris are dumb, this is dumb.

I kinda checked out for a while and don't remember what happened, but they end up getting sucked up into the ship. Now we see the aliens are ripping the brains out of people and tossing the bodies aside. Somehow, sad dad still has a gun that never runs out of bullets  and starts shooting things. That makes boss alien mad and he sends other bad guys after him. Somehow, sad dad seems to get flushed out of the ship only to get his leg impaled on a spike. Next thing you know, he pulls himself back up and you see him parkour his way back up, bad leg and all. Suuuure….

Now, sad dad is wandering around the ship, where everything is wet and slimy (why would it be wet and slimy?) and he runs into a blue eyed bad guy. Que obligatory human vs alien fight. In comes a red eyed alien who starts fighting blue eyed alien and kills him. If 90’s rap videos taught us anything, its that red and blue hate each other so it makes sense.

Sad dad follows red eyed alien and they find a pregnant lady. Lady gives birth and wouldn't you know, red eyed alien turn out to be the babies father. Oh, and the mom seemed to die for no reason whatsoever. Turns out the family was sucked up and the dads brain got put into an alien robot body thing and now they are back together. At least I think thats what happened. I was up getting a beer by this point.

Sad dad makes a deal with red eyed alien that he will keep his daugher safe if he helps him find his son.

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Now, sad dad and red eyes are fighting more blue eyes and sad dad get an alien weapon arm. Sure, why the hell not. At some point in the fight they find mad son and to save them all, mad somn sacrifices himself and gets his brain sucked out.

Then red eyes blows up the ship.

Now they are in Laos. Not a major city like Tokyo or Hong Kong, but the middle of nowhere Laos.

The ship crashed and sad dad, subway, baby and the blind guy escape. Oh yeah, they have had an old blind guy with them up till now. Not really important.

Let flip to the section called racial stereotypes in the Movies For Dummies book. All the Laotians know karate!!!

They run into a couple bad guys with motorcycle helmets and get into a huge, i'm going to kill you as quick as I can fight. Its american brawn vs asian martial arts. Of course, they seem evenly matched. THEN, they see a worse bad guy and become friends. Instantly they team up.

Oh, I almost forgot, one of the motorcycle people find an egg thing and puts it in her bag. It will be important later, cuz thats how movies work.

After I come back from getting another beer, I see they are in some big temple thing. Asian guys says something profound about The Vietnam War and they go inside.

Well wouldn't you know, the temple is being used as a rebel base where they process drugs!!! It is so bad with the stereotypes it's insulting.

There just happens to be an American hippie/junky there that is the chemist for the drug lab. He uses his desktop computer and seems to sequence the babies DNA somehow and they find out she is growing super fast and needs blood because she is running out? Why would she be running out of blood? Oh, and now she is part alien herself, or something like that. Since sad dad had the alien arm thing his blood is the only one that works. She sleeps through the night and now she is a toddler.

They talk about how it doesn't make sense that our DNA is compatible with the alien and not only decide we are being harvested, that it's happened before. Oh and the aliens put us here for that purpose. Whatever…

Here is a great line. “But they didn't count on one thing, evolution.” SO DUMB!!!

Ok, after yet another beer, we see subway and one of the motorcycle helmets setting up a claymore mine in the jungle. Then a giant alien starts chasing them. Really, its a normal alien inside a giant robot thing. Think Pacific Rim. Motorcycle helmet runs into a minefield and sacrifices herself when the big guy chases her.

Now, there are tons of rebels and villagers booby trapping the temple and everyone gets a gun.

They come up with a plan to use the babies blood, to infect the egg thing since she is immune.The logic is it will somehow free everyone who is being controlled by blue eyes bad guy. Turns out the majority of the blue eyes aliens they are fighting are actually shells with an infected human brain running the show. If they can “free” them, they will return to normal. Well, as normal can be living in an alien robot body thing.

Anyway, sad dad climbs onto the ship with a syringe of baby blood and injects it in one of the egg things, which turns out is a bullet for a big light gun? I know...just go with it.

Well, sad dad end up fighting a blue eye and his wedding ring falls out of his pocket. Blue eye sees it and his eyes flicker to red. Guess what, blue eyes is mad son!!!!!

On the ground, there is tons of hand to alien hand fighting. It seems like the aliens know karate at points.

Sad dad puts the bullet in the big light gun and i guess shoots it? Its starts to turn red and boss alien freaks out and rips the gun out of the ship.He is in another Pacific Rim robot thing at this point so it's easy for him.

Alien boss shows back up and is just about to kill everyone when mad son gets his own big robot and they fight.

Now we see the baby, now toddler wandering around in the maylay and touches the busted egg gun and is able to activate it. It turns red.

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Mad son is getting his ass kicked by boss alien and sad dad shoots it with a rocket that was laying around. Convenient! Amiright?

Now, boss alien is pissed and goes after sad dad and at the last second, mad son/red eyed alien saves the day and shoots him with the red egg gun. Boss alien is dead and the others turn to red eyes.

THEN, the sad dad and mad son/alien do what any dad/ alien son would do. They fist bump.

Jump to the future I guess and the half alien baby/toddler is all grown up. I think that's who was in the field hospital thing in the beginning, but it doesn't make sense since she isn't injured. She is the leader of the resistance. Oh, and they are on a spaceship taking the fight to the blue eyes.

The end. Thank God thats over.

Wait, theres more!

To top it all off, what do they show during the credit cut sequences? OUTTAKES!!!! How in the hell can you try and pull off a serious movie and end with outtakes?!

Watch it if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.


 

Posted on June 8, 2018 and filed under The Worst Movie I've Seen.